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Online registration is now CLOSED for this event. You can arrive up to one hour early to register at the door.
This Workshop is on a BC Professional Development Day.
Bullies: Their Making and Unmaking
Presented by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.
Friday, October 25, 2019 | Richmond, bc
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Date & Location
Friday, October 25, 2019
9:00am – 4:00pm
Executive Hotel Vancouver Airport
7311 Westminster Hwy
Richmond, BC V6X 1A3
Phone: 604.278.5555
Once we understand how bullies are made, our attempts to unmake them can be truly effective and long-lasting. Most prevailing approaches to this problem assume that bullying is either learned behaviour or the result of failure to acquire social skills. In contrast, Dr. Neufeld dissects the bully syndrome to reveal its deep instinctive roots in the dynamics of attachment and vulnerability.
The Bully Enigma
Most attempts to change bullies, or even to teach them a lesson, are not only futile but counterproductive. The reason for this is that most interventions are blind, devoid of an understanding of what makes a bully in the first place. Part of the problem is that the bully is an enigma. There are at least three reasons for this. First of all, very few bullies would identify themselves as such or confess to the act. Secondly, bullies lack self-reflection and so cannot tell us about themselves. Thirdly, the violating nature of the bully’s behaviour distracts from the salient issues and underlying dynamics. The symptoms are social but the dysfunction is psychological. The arena of violation is in children`s relating to each other but the genesis of the problem is in relationship to adults. The demeanor is one of toughness yet the sensitivity to slight is acute. The behaviour is pushy and demanding yet the personality is highly dependent and immature. Unless we can shed some light into the internal workings of the bully, our interventions will inevitably be off base.
The Bully Syndrome
The key to making sense of the bully is not in what the bully does, but rather in what is missing in the bully. When one gets past the violating behaviour to the underlying functioning, gaping holes become apparent. Firstly, the bully lacks a sense of responsibility. There are usually two reasons for this deficiency: a) a lack of an underlying sense of agency or b) the child is too defended against vulnerability to feel responsible. Both appear to be true in the bully. To spend effort trying to make the bully accountable does little to change this state of affairs and only convinces the bully that adults are against him or her, which hardens the bully even further. If the bully was capable of feeling responsible, he or she would not be a bully in the first place.
Secondly, the bully lacks adaptive functioning. The bully cannot deal with change and therefore seeks the familiar. The bully does not learn from mistakes, benefit from negative experience, or change as a result of failure. Bullies are neither resourceful nor resilient. Adults who are unaware of this dysfunction will inevitably insist on upping the ante: applying more consequences, teaching a lesson they hope the bully will never forget. If the child was adaptive, he or she would not be a bully in first place. Consequences work wonders for those who can feel the futility of a course of action. On the other hand, consequences only enrage and provoke those who cannot .
Thirdly, the bully lacks integrative functioning. Not only do bullies fail to mix well with others, at least not without someone having to do the accommodating to keep the peace, but they lack mixed feelings. That is the reason they are so untempered in experience and expression. They are impulsive, compulsive, rigid, brazen, dogmatic in their personality and inconsiderate and insensitive in their relating. This deficiency cannot be cured by training in social skills or by confronting the lack of empathy. This integrative dysfunction is deeply rooted in psychological immaturity. Unless these kids become unstuck they will remain untempered for life. If they remain untempered, they are also more likely to be uncivilized unless their behaviour can be orchestrated by someone they can look up to.
In addition to this lack of normal functioning, the bully does not properly depend upon those responsible for him or her and does not experience life in a vulnerable way. These missing elements when properly understood, tell the story of the bully and explains much of their personality and behaviour. When such children are mixed with others, bullying is bound to occur.
How Bullies are Born
The bully syndrome is the offspring of the union of two deep-seated problems. Each of the problems are fairly common and do not, in isolation, result in bullying. It is the combination of these problems that gives rise to the bully syndrome. One of the deep-seated problems is disordered attachments. Instead of seeking to depend upon those responsible for him or her, the bully seeks to dominate. This aberrant attachment pattern can be caused by a number of conditions that will be outlined in the course.
The second problem is one of emotional hardening or desensitization. Somewhere along the line, the sensitivities of a bully-in-the-making have become overwhelmed. The result is a child defended against the feelings of vulnerability and often perceptions that would lead to feeling vulnerable. There are a number of reasons this can happen, some within, but many outside, a parent`s control. A child who is defended against his own wounds is not likely to be sensitive to the wounds of others. Besides, when a child is too defended against vulnerability for ‘mad’ to turn to ‘sad’, frustration turns foul and leaves the child with a mean streak. Adding frustration to the equation in such a child only pours gasoline on the fire and puts others at risk for getting hurt.
How Bullies Are Unmade
Attempting to treat a bully without addressing the contributing conditions is at best ineffective and, most often, counterproductive. Key to the bullies unmaking is proper attachment hierarchy and a tolerance of felt vulnerability. Strategies are presented that are grounded in understanding and that can be applied in a wide range of settings.
Genesis of the Material
The experiential root of this material was working with young offenders. In the prison system, everyone tends to be a bully or a victim or both. Once the mystery was unravelled, the bully syndrome became readily recognizable in other populations and settings and in children as early as toddlerhood and the preschool stage.
The conceptual roots of the material are in an understanding of the dynamics of attachment, vulnerability and psychological immaturity. These three keys unlock the mystery of bullying and reveal how bullies are created. These dynamics also point the way to change and the unmaking of a bully.
The didactic roots of this material were in the desperate requests of educators for something with a bit more depth and psychological accountability than what is usually offered.
Recommended Reading
Who Should Attend
Education and Clinical Professionals: K–12 Classroom Teachers, School Counsellors/Psychologists, Learning Assistance/ Resource Teachers, School Administrators, School Paraprofessionals including Special Education Assistants, Classroom Assistants and Childcare Workers. All other professionals who support students including but not limited to: Nurses, Social Workers, Psychologists, Clinical Counsellors, Family Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Language Pathologists, Addiction Counsellors, Youth Workers, Mental Health Workers, Probation Officers, and Early Childhood Educators.
Parents, Caregiver, Foster Parents, Grandparents, and Extended Family raising a child.
Agenda
INTRODUCTION
- How bullies are begotten: the overview
- Bullying rooted in instinct and emotion
- Bullying as alpha instincts gone awry
- The modus operandi of the bully
THE BULLY’S VULNERABILITY PROBLEM
- The making of the bully’s vulnerability problem
- The traits deriving from the vulnerability problem
- The bully and immaturity
THE BULLY’S ATTACHMENT PROBLEM
- The making of the bully’s attachment problems
- The traits deriving from the attachment problems
- The union of the two problems – attachment and vulnerability
- Peer orientation and bullying
CHALLENGES IN THE UNMAKING OF BULLIES
- Bully behaviour – the tip of the iceberg
- What doesn’t work
- The unmaking of bullies
- Best prevention
- Keys to raising children: right relationships and soft hearts
Learning Objectives
The primary objective of this course is to make sense of the bully from inside out, and from this foundation of insight, prepare the way for change.
Course objectives include:
- to provide a working definition of bullying that will enable participants to recognize the bully dynamic in its myriad manifestations and across a multitude of settings
- to make sense of the bully from inside out and from a foundation of understanding, to outline the steps required for lasting change
- to create an understanding of the role of escalating peer orientation and of current parenting practices in fostering the bullying dynamic
- to convey why conventional discipline and social learning approaches can make matters worse
- to provide the conceptual tools – specifically attachment theory and vulnerability theory – to dissect the bully syndrome and uncover its instinctive roots
- to provide basic guidelines for addressing the bully problem that can be employed in a variety of venues and settings
- to outline the most significant factors in keeping students safe
This course will help shed light on:
- the 12 traits of the bully syndrome traced to their roots
- the role of the limbic system (emotional brain) in bully making
- the nature of the dark union that begets the bully
- the attachment problems of bullies
- common pitfalls in the treatment of bullies
- how bullies & bullied can be cut from the same cloth
- why schools are becoming bully factories
- why conventional discipline backfires with bullies
- why bullies are driven to dominate
- key target points for effective intervention
Your Presenter
Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a Vancouver-based developmental psychologist with over 50 years of experience with children and youth and those responsible for them. A foremost authority on child development, Dr. Neufeld is an international speaker, a bestselling author (Hold On To Your Kids) and a leading interpreter of the developmental paradigm. Dr. Neufeld has a widespread reputation for making sense of complex problems and for opening doors for change. While formerly involved in university teaching and private practice, he now devotes his time to teaching and training others, including educators and helping professionals. His Neufeld Institute is now a world-wide charitable organization devoted to applying developmental science to the task of raising children. He is a father of five and a grandfather to seven.
Testimonials
“I have no words to express my appreciation to Gordon Neufeld and to Hirose for bringing this valuable, life-changing information. The material taught resonates professionally and personally too. Thank you!”
– Aliza Terris | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017“Fantastic presentation, informative and valuable for me personally and professionally. Gordon is brilliant and engaging. Very happy to have attended today.”
– Mike Van de Hengel | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017“Helped me gain more knowledge about my students, the people around me and myself.”
– Carmen Azzopardi | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017“Thank you, and yes, you are changing the world. Maybe not as fast as you want, but you changed my world this week, and you can be sure that I will be using what I’ve learned to change the lives of many others!”
– Stephanie John | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017
“This was a wonderful workshop, presented with clarity, simplicity and yet, good depth for awareness and understanding. I felt so encouraged by Dr. Neufeld’s way of cutting through the mental health rhetoric and greatly empowered by his focus on relational and instinctive approaches. Thank you!”
– Vancouver, BC | Feb 27-March 1, 2017
“Really enjoyed this workshop. I could see this as a larger workshop, maybe 2 days. I feel it is an extremely important topic and glad it is offered. So much information to take in and use. Thank you! Dr. Gordon Neufeld is an amazing and knowledgeable speaker. A must attend presenter!”
– Calgary, AB | April 5-7, 2017
“Absolutely life changing course on all levels. This will not only greatly impact my work with children, families, and schools, but also my journey of self-growth and empower my skills as a parent and adult figure in many children’s lives.”
– Laura Rose, Cmn Therapist | Winnipeg, MB | June 1, 2016
“Thank you so much, this was extremely useful and also intellectually stimulating!”
– Sarah Moar | Saskatoon, SK | May 18, 2016“I buy into your philosophy, both as a parent and as a teacher. I have already ‘swam against the stream’ as an at-home parent of 11 years. I shall continue to live this philosophy and trust nature and love, love, love my own children and students.”
– Saskatoon, SK | May 16 – 17, 2016
“Bang on, excellent work. Makes sense of what is going on in the world today! Thank you.”
– Saskatoon, SK | May 16 – 17, 2016
“Dr. Gordon Neufeld is amazing. A very informed presentation. I am glad I could attend and look forward to attending future workshops!”
– Saskatoon, SK | May 16 – 17, 2016“I personally loved the long history’ style intro. More speakers need to do this. You underscore and synthesize the multiple contributors that illustrate where psychology has come from. Love! The science part! More chemistry and physics please. A truly gifted and needed speaker in this field. I have gotten so much out of this workshop both professionally and personally. Gordon’s way of speaking is incredibly professional, he cannot stop working for along time!! I will want to both do more courses and come back with my husband and do this again. Thank you, will see you again.”
– Nicole McLeod | Vancouver, BC| March 2, 2016“Dr. Neufeld is an excellent presenter, effective speaker, and extremely knowledgeable about child development. The information presented over the three days has given me new ways to see and evaluate situations. I look forward to reviewing the information and finding out how to use the strategies from this paradigm research. Thank you!”
– Kim Nelson, School Counsellor | Halifax, NS | June 1 – 3, 2015“Gordon Neufeld was extraordinarily engaging and inspiring. His work resonates strongly with my work in special education and counselling.”
– Angela Psalios, School Counsellor | Edmonton, AB | May 25 – 26, 2015“Incredible. Relevant. Easy to grasp. Engaging. Life changing. Thank you!”
– Angela Walker, Teacher | Edmonton, AB | May 25 – 26, 2015“Dr. Neufeld effectively answered all questions I had and then some. I feel empowered with a new understanding of the development of anxiety and how to encourage others through their own process of healing.”
– Catherine Tetreault | Edmonton, AB | May 25 – 26, 2015“Wow! What a phenomenal speaker Gordon Neufeld is! I learned so much these 2 days and definitely intend to take it into my practice. I will be evaluating my parenting based on the insight gained in this seminar.”
– Samantha Weppler, School Counsellor | Edmonton, AB | May 25 – 26, 2015
“Fantastic! I can immediately use this knowledge and understanding when I return to work tomorrow with my students.”
– Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“Gordon was one of the most engaging facilitator I have come across – and I have attended MANY workshops. Great flow of information, I loved the use of human anecdotes to make the material more meaningful. Far exceeded my expectations.”
– Danielle C | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“I have attended many of Dr. Neufeld’s courses. Every time I listen to his approach, it reaffirms my beliefs and feelings towards kids. This approach is simple yet it is not easy. I appreciate the way Dr. Neufeld shares the information – it has profoundly affected me both personally and professionally. I always look forward to more opportunities to attend Dr. Neufeld’s speaking engagements. I always take away more information, and it reminds me of the things I may have forgotten.”
– Carmen Hansen | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Opened my eyes to a new way of thinking about students – from the very first slide! Thank you.”
– Cynthia Jones (Enviros) | Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“I have attended several of Dr. Neufeld’s workshops and I have used his ideas and suggestions in my work as a Guidance Counsellor with high school students. I have seen firsthand what a positive impact they have on kids, and the adults in their lives.”
– Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“This topic was refreshing and practical for use in my personal and professional life, a validation of what I now know has always been in my heart.”
– Jo-Anne Lane | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Thank you so much for continuing to accept these speaking engagements. Such an honour to be here and learn from your expertise. I feel so confident going home to my preschoolers – thank you so much. Best workshop I have attended – so practical!”
– Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Such an amazing workshop. I am so grateful that I can hear and share this material with fellow teachers and adoptive parents.”
– Marta Stepanovich | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Thank you! This will be so helpful to me personally as well as professionally in my work as a therapist.”
– Janet L (Therapist) | Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“This workshop has given me a clearer and stronger focus for all my teaching relationships with children and teens. Understanding Gordon Neufeld’s perspectives of attachment just might have changed my life.”
– Laureen Guenther | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Dr. Neufeld’s seminar was eye-opening. It was a revelation for me as a parent, teacher and spouse.”
– Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“Gordon Neufeld is a clever, creative, insightful person who has integrated a great deal of material intelligently and deeply. I appreciate this after 50 years of working with people as a therapist. I was pleasantly surprised and excited to integrate this material – and it all went well beyond my expectations. From my heart to yours Gordon, thank you.”
– Judy Haid (Therapist) | Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“My first time hearing Gordon and it won’t be my last. Unbelievable, marvelous, and inspiring – it is a true privilege to be here. You are incredible and a true gift to the world – thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, thoughts, and perceptions. I’m taking so much away to not only help with my profession, but my own personal life. ”
– Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Dr. Neufeld’s material has completely changed my approach towards my own children, as well as other children in my care. I find his theories revitalizing and genuinely life-changing. I strongly believe his work is vital to our society’s future success. His work has opened avenues for my husband and I that we never thought possible. We greatly admire his work, we share it with family and friends constantly, and we are thrilled at the hope it has given us for raising our highly sensitive children.”
– Skye Curtis | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“One of the most significant learning experiences I’ve ever had with Jack Hirose training. Excellent and brilliant presenter, who created hope for me working in a rather ‘hopeless’ milieu. I would definitely attend another workshop by Dr. Neufeld. I am very appreciative of his presentation style – very truthful, entertaining and dynamic. I won’t look at ‘resistance’ in kids the same way again. Thank you so much – I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to attend.”
– Bev Read (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Therapist) | Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“Finally! This makes sense! Beautifully presented. This information needs to be heard by all parents and caregivers.”
– Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“Love it. So important to my work as a mom and counsellor.”
– Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
“Dr. Neufeld was certainly ‘a dose of what I needed’ – very reaffirming of my intuition and practice.”
– Calgary, AB | May 21 – 23, 2014
“I find all of Gordon Neufeld’s seminars and DVDs amazingly informative, inspirational and refreshingly full of truth! I always leave with more knowledge and inspiration, and a renewed confidence in how to pursue beautiful relationships with the children in my care. Gordon is a gift to all who love and are responsible for raising children.”
– Winnipeg, MB | May 26 – 28, 2014
Registration & Fees
| Registration | Super Early Bird Fee | Early Bird Fee | Regular Fee |
|---|---|---|---|
| MAKING SENSE OF AGGRESSION | -- | ||
| Individual Enrollment | -- | $449 | $469 |
| Group 3-7 | -- | $429 | $449 |
| Group 8-14 | -- | $409 | $429 |
| Group 15+ | -- | $389 | $409 |
| Full-Time Student | -- | $389 | $409 |
| -- | |||
| BULLIES: THEIR MAKING & UNMAKING | -- | ||
| Individual Enrollment | -- | $249 | $269 |
| Group 3-7 | -- | $234 | $254 |
| Group 8-14 | -- | $219 | $239 |
| Group 15+ | -- | $204 | $224 |
| Full-Time Student | -- | $204 | $224 |
| -- | |||
| Attend Both Dr. Neufeld Events and SAVE! | -- | ||
| Individual Enrollment | -- | $619 | $639 |
| Group 3-7 | -- | $599 | $619 |
| Group 8-14 | -- | $579 | $599 |
| Group 15+ | -- | $559 | $579 |
| Full-Time Student | -- | $559 | $579 |
| -- |
All fees are in Canadian dollars ($CAD).
Fees do not include applicable taxes (5% GST).
Early bird cutoff date: October 21, 2019
The early bird date has passed. Regular rates apply.
Please review our Registration Terms and Conditions for information on our cancellation policy, payment policies, rebates, and more. You must agree to our Terms and Conditions to register for a workshop or conference.
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Recommended Accommodation
Executive Hotel Vancouver Airport
7311 Westminster Hwy
Richmond, BC V6X 1A3
phone: 604.278.5555
website: www.executivehotels.net/vancouver-airport-hotel/
Our rates:
Please contact the hotel directly for the best available rates.
Continuing Education Credits
This workshop has been formally approved by the following associations:
- Canadian Addiction Counsellors Certification Federation (CACCF)
CACCF is only pre-approved for the workshop Navigating Addictions by Carissa Muth, Psy.D., CCC, R.Psych - Canadian College of Professional Counsellors and Psychotherapists (CCPCP)
- Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association (CCPA)
- Canadian Professional Counsellors Association (CPCA)
- Canadian Psychological Association (CPA)
Jack Hirose & Associates is approved by the Canadian Psychological Association to offer continuing education for psychologists. Jack Hirose & Associates maintains responsibility for the program.
- Employee Assistance Certification Commission (EACC)
- Indigenous Certification Board of Canada (ICBOC)
- Medical Psychotherapy Association Canada (MDPAC)
- Ontario Association of Consultants, Counsellors, Psychometrists and Psychotherapists (OACCPP)
- Ontario Expressive Arts Therapy Association (OEATA)
† The Alberta College of Social Workers (ACSW) and the Newfoundland and Labrador Association of Social Workers (NLASW) accept CPA-approved CEUs.
* Participants will receive a certificate of completion after every workshop. Workshops are pre-approved for 5.5 or 6 credits per day unless otherwise specified.
This workshop may be eligible for CEUs from the following associations: Show more
- Canadian Association of Social Workers (CASW)
- Canadian Centre for Accreditation (CCA)
- Canadian College of Professional Counsellor & Psychotherapists (CCPCP)
- College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario (CRPO)
- Ontario Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (OAMFT)
- Ontario Association of Child and Youth Care (OACYC)
- Ontario Association of Consultants, Counsellors, Psychometrists and Psychotherapists (OACCPP)
- Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW)
- Ontario Society of Psychotherapists (OSP)
* Please contact your accrediting body for more information on individual association requirements.
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