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Bullies: Their Making and Unmaking

Presented by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., author of Hold On To Your Kids

Friday, February 23, 2018  |  Vancouver, bc

Date & Location

Friday, February 23, 2018 – Friday, February 23, 2018

9:00 am – 4:00 pm

Wosk Auditorium, Jewish Community Centre

950 W. 41st Avenue
Vancouver, BC

 Full map & directions

Workshop Description

Once we understand how bullies are made, our attempts to unmake them can be truly effective and long-lasting. Most prevailing approaches to this problem assume that bullying is either learned behaviour or the result of failure to acquire social skills. In contrast, Dr. Neufeld dissects the bully syndrome to reveal its deep instinctive roots in the dynamics of attachment and vulnerability.

The Bully Enigma

Most attempts to change bullies, or even to teach them a lesson, are not only futile but counterproductive. The reason for this is that most interventions are blind, devoid of an understanding of what makes a bully in the first place. Part of the problem is that the bully is an enigma. There are at least three reasons for this. First of all, very few bullies would identify themselves as such or confess to the act. Secondly, bullies lack self-reflection and so cannot tell us about themselves. Thirdly, the violating nature of the bully’s behaviour distracts from the salient issues and underlying dynamics. The symptoms are social but the dysfunction is psychological. The arena of violation is in children`s relating to each other but the genesis of the problem is in relationship to adults. The demeanor is one of toughness yet the sensitivity to slight is acute. The behaviour is pushy and demanding yet the personality is highly dependent and immature. Unless we can shed some light into the internal workings of the bully, our interventions will inevitably be off base.

The Bully Syndrome

The key to making sense of the bully is not in what the bully does, but rather in what is missing in the bully. When one gets past the violating behaviour to the underlying functioning, gaping holes become apparent. Firstly, the bully lacks a sense of responsibility. There are usually two reasons for this deficiency: a) a lack of an underlying sense of agency or b) the child is too defended against vulnerability to feel responsible. Both appear to be true in the bully. To spend effort trying to make the bully accountable does little to change this state of affairs and only convinces the bully that adults are against him or her, which hardens the bully even further. If the bully was capable of feeling responsible, he or she would not be a bully in the first place.

Secondly, the bully lacks adaptive functioning. The bully cannot deal with change and therefore seeks the familiar. The bully does not learn from mistakes, benefit from negative experience, or change as a result of failure. Bullies are neither resourceful nor resilient. Adults who are unaware of this dysfunction will inevitably insist on upping the ante: applying more consequences, teaching a lesson they hope the bully will never forget. If the child was adaptive, he or she would not be a bully in first place. Consequences work wonders for those who can feel the futility of a course of action. On the other hand, consequences only enrage and provoke those who cannot .

Thirdly, the bully lacks integrative functioning. Not only do bullies fail to mix well with others, at least not without someone having to do the accommodating to keep the peace, but they lack mixed feelings. That is the reason they are so untempered in experience and expression. They are impulsive, compulsive, rigid, brazen, dogmatic in their personality and inconsiderate and insensitive in their relating. This deficiency cannot be cured by training in social skills or by confronting the lack of empathy. This integrative dysfunction is deeply rooted in psychological immaturity. Unless these kids become unstuck they will remain untempered for life. If they remain untempered, they are also more likely to be uncivilized unless their behaviour can be orchestrated by someone they can look up to.

In addition to this lack of normal functioning, the bully does not properly depend upon those responsible for him or her and does not experience life in a vulnerable way. These missing elements when properly understood, tell the story of the bully and explains much of their personality and behaviour. When such children are mixed with others, bullying is bound to occur.

How Bullies are Born

The bully syndrome is the offspring of the union of two deep-seated problems. Each of the problems are fairly common and do not, in isolation, result in bullying. It is the combination of these problems that gives rise to the bully syndrome. One of the deep-seated problems is disordered attachments. Instead of seeking to depend upon those responsible for him or her, the bully seeks to dominate. This aberrant attachment pattern can be caused by a number of conditions that will be outlined in the course.

The second problem is one of emotional hardening or desensitization. Somewhere along the line, the sensitivities of a bully-in-the-making have become overwhelmed. The result is a child defended against the feelings of vulnerability and often perceptions that would lead to feeling vulnerable. There are a number of reasons this can happen, some within, but many outside, a parent`s control. A child who is defended against his own wounds is not likely to be sensitive to the wounds of others. Besides, when a child is too defended against vulnerability for ‘mad’ to turn to ‘sad’, frustration turns foul and leaves the child with a mean streak. Adding frustration to the equation in such a child only pours gasoline on the fire and puts others at risk for getting hurt.

How Bullies Are Unmade

Attempting to treat a bully without addressing the contributing conditions is at best ineffective and, most often, counterproductive. Key to the bullies unmaking is proper attachment hierarchy and a tolerance of felt vulnerability. Strategies are presented that are grounded in understanding and that can be applied in a wide range of settings.

Genesis of the Material

The experiential root of this material was working with young offenders. In the prison system, everyone tends to be a bully or a victim or both. Once the mystery was unravelled, the bully syndrome became readily recognizable in other populations and settings and in children as early as toddlerhood and the preschool stage.

The conceptual roots of the material are in an understanding of the dynamics of attachment, vulnerability and psychological immaturity. These three keys unlock the mystery of bullying and reveal how bullies are created. These dynamics also point the way to change and the unmaking of a bully.

The didactic roots of this material were in the desperate requests of educators for something with a bit more depth and psychological accountability than what is usually offered.

Workshop Topics:

Agenda & Learning Objectives


  • How bullies are begotten: the overview
  • Bullying rooted in instinct and emotion
  • Bullying as alpha instincts gone awry
  • The modus operandi of the bully


  • The making of the bully’s vulnerability problem
  • The traits deriving from the vulnerability problem
  • The bully and immaturity


  • The making of the bully’s attachment problems
  • The traits deriving from the attachment problems
  • The union of the two problems – attachment and vulnerability
  • Peer orientation and bullying


  • Bully behaviour – the tip of the iceberg
  • What doesn’t work
  • The unmaking of bullies
  • Best prevention
  • Keys to raising children: right relationships and soft hearts

Learning Objectives

The primary objective of this course is to make sense of the bully from inside out, and from this foundation of insight, prepare the way for change.

Course objectives include:

  • to provide a working definition of bullying that will enable participants to recognize the bully dynamic in its myriad manifestations and across a multitude of settings
  • to make sense of the bully from inside out and from a foundation of understanding, to outline the steps required for lasting change
  • to create an understanding of the role of escalating peer orientation and of current parenting practices in fostering the bullying dynamic
  • to convey why conventional discipline and social learning approaches can make matters worse
  • to provide the conceptual tools – specifically attachment theory and vulnerability theory – to dissect the bully syndrome and uncover its instinctive roots
  • to provide basic guidelines for addressing the bully problem that can be employed in a variety of venues and settings
  • to outline the most significant factors in keeping students safe

This course will help shed light on:

  • the 12 traits of the bully syndrome traced to their roots
  • the role of the limbic system (emotional brain) in bully making
  • the nature of the dark union that begets the bully
  • the attachment problems of bullies
  • common pitfalls in the treatment of bullies
  • how bullies & bullied can be cut from the same cloth
  • why schools are becoming bully factories
  • why conventional discipline backfires with bullies
  • why bullies are driven to dominate
  • key target points for effective intervention

Continuing Education Credits

Your Presenter(s)

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. is a Vancouver-based developmental psychologist with over 30 years of experience with children and youth and those responsible for them. He is a foremost authority on child development, an international speaker, a bestselling author (Hold On To Your Kids), and a leading interpreter of the developmental paradigm.

Dr. Neufeld’s professional experience includes years of working with violent young offenders and thousands of consultations regarding youth with aggression problems. His personal experience includes having been a father to five adolescents of his own. Dr. Neufeld is not only a seminal theorist but also a seasoned therapist and an inspiring teacher.

Dr. Neufeld’s unique synthesis of the developmental literature and his exceptional ability to make children understandable has made him much in demand as a speaker. His style is dynamic, his approach is refreshing, and his effect is to affirm intuition. His insights are regularly sought by experts and media alike. Dr. Neufeld consistently receives outstanding ratings for his courses and seminars.

Because of his ability to make sense of complex problems, Dr. Neufeld is a much sought-after speaker. He gives over 40 presentations and educational seminars a year and has been invited to present at the following: First National Symposium on Bullying, Ottawa, 2002; Educational Symposium on the State of Education in Nagano, Japan, 2002; Focus Conferences on Violence, International Counselling Congress, Canadian Teacher’s Federation Symposium on Youth Violence, Educational Symposium in Portland, Oregon; and WONCA World Conference on Family Medicine.

Dr. Neufeld’s book Hold on to Your Kids with Dr. Gabor Mate was released by Knopf Canada in January, 2004 and has made several best-selling lists.



“I have no words to express my appreciation to Gordon Neufeld and to Hirose for bringing this valuable, life-changing information. The material taught resonates professionally and personally too. Thank you!”
– Aliza Terris | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017


“Fantastic presentation, informative and valuable for me personally and professionally. Gordon is brilliant and engaging. Very happy to have attended today.”
– Mike Van de Hengel | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017


“Helped me gain more knowledge about my students, the people around me and myself.”
– Carmen Azzopardi | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017


“Thank you, and yes, you are changing the world. Maybe not as fast as you want, but you changed my world this week, and you can be sure that I will be using what I’ve learned to change the lives of many others!”
– Stephanie John | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017


This was a wonderful workshop, presented with clarity, simplicity and yet, good depth for awareness and understanding. I felt so encouraged by Dr. Neufeld’s way of cutting through the mental health rhetoric and greatly empowered by his focus on relational and instinctive approaches. Thank you!”
– Vancouver, BC | Feb 27-March 1, 2017


More information: www.neufeldinstitute.org

Who Should Attend

Education and Clinical Professionals: K–12 Classroom Teachers, School Counsellors/Psychologists, Learning Assistance/ Resource Teachers, School Administrators, School Paraprofessionals including Special Education Assistants, Classroom Assistants and Childcare Workers. All other professionals who support students including but not limited to: Nurses, Social Workers, Psychologists, Clinical Counsellors, Family Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Language Pathologists, Addiction Counsellors, Youth Workers, Mental Health Workers, Probation Officers, Police Officers, and Early Childhood Educators.

Parents, Caregiver, Foster Parents, Grandparents, and Extended Family raising a child.


Education and Clinical Professionals: All education and mental health or healthcare professionals who work with children or youth including, but not limited to K–12 Classroom Teachers, School Counsellors, Learning Assistance/Resource Teachers, School Administrators, School Paraprofessionals including Special Education Assistants, Classroom Assistants and Childcare Workers • All other professionals who support behavioural challenges and complex learning needs including but not limited to: Nurses, Social Workers, Psychologists, Clinical Counsellors, Family Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Language Pathologists, Addiction Counsellors, Youth Workers, Mental Health Workers, Probation Officers and Community Police Officers.

Recommended Accommodation

Granville Island Hotel

1253 Johnston Street
Vancouver, BC

phone:  604.683.7373

website:  www.granvilleislandhotel.com

 Full map & directions

Our rates:

* Please check back at a later time as this information will be updated when corporate/group rates are secured.

Holiday Inn Vancouver

phone:  604.879.0511

website:  www.hivancouvercentre.com

 Full map & directions

Our rates:

* Please check back at a later time as this information will be updated when corporate/group rates are secured.

When booking hotel rooms, ask for the Jack Hirose and Associates corporate rate. To receive our corporate rate, rooms must be booked one month prior to the workshop date. Please keep in mind hotel rates may fluctuate.

Registration & Fees

Registration Early bird Fee Regular Fee
Individual Enrollment $399 $419
Group 3-7 $379 $399
Group 8-14 $359 $379
Group 15+ $324 $344
Full Time Student $324 $344
Individual Enrollment $229 $249
Group 3-7 $214 $234
Group 8-14 $199 $214
Group 15+ $179 $199
Full Time Student $179 $199
3 DAY OPTION: Attend Both Dr. Neufeld Workshops and SAVE!
*Select 3 Day Option at Registration
Individual Enrollment $579 $599
Group 3-7 $549 $569
Group 8-14 $519 $539
Group 15+ $499 $519
Full-Time Student $499 $519

For more information on Student Rates, click here

For more information on Group Rates, click here

Fees do not include applicable taxes (5% GST).

Early bird cutoff date: February 9, 2018
To receive the early bird rate, registration and payment must be received by Friday, February 9, 2018.

Please review our Registration Terms and Conditions for information on our cancellation policy, payment policies, rebates, and more. You must agree to our Terms and Conditions to register for a workshop or conference.

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Exhibitors are welcome at this event. We are pleased to offer sponsorship opportunities to businesses and organizations that provide services related to nursing, psychotherapy, addictions treatment, counselling, marriage & family therapy, psychology and other related fields.
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