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Bullies: Their Making and Unmaking

Presented by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., author of Hold On To Your Kids

Friday, May 29, 2020  |  Oakville, on

!  Important Notice:

Due to COVID-19 this event is now being offered online via Live Streaming

Date & Location

Friday, May 29, 2020 – Friday, May 29, 2020

8:30am – 4:00pm

Oakville Conference Centre

2515 Wyecroft Rd, Oakville, ON

phone:  905.618.7510

fax:  905.618.7515

website:  http://www.oakvilleconference.com

 Full map & directions

Workshop Description

Important Notice

Due to COVID-19 this event is now being offered via Live Streaming. This change has been made to ensure a safe learning environment for all participants. Please note, the days and times have changed. If you are unable to attend the Live Streaming participants will be able to take the course ON-DEMAND any day or time starting Monday, May 4, 2020. Participants will have access to the course until April 1, 2021.

Participants will be able to interact with Dr. Neufeld during a Q&A via live chat. Handouts and certificates will be available via digital download off our user management system webinars@jackhirose.com.

Making Sense of Aggression
Monday April 27 – Tuesday, April 28, 2020
8:30am – 4:00pm (Central Daylight Time)

Bullies: Their Making and Unmaking
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
8:30am – 4:00pm (Central Daylight Time)

If you have registered for an upcoming workshop and would like to switch to this online course, or for online course inquiries please email webinars@jackhirose.com to be transferred at no additional cost.

Once we understand how bullies are made, our attempts to unmake them can be truly effective and long-lasting. Most prevailing approaches to this problem assume that bullying is either learned behaviour or the result of failure to acquire social skills. In contrast, Dr. Neufeld dissects the bully syndrome to reveal its deep instinctive roots in the dynamics of attachment and vulnerability.

The Bully Enigma

Most attempts to change bullies, or even to teach them a lesson, are not only futile but counterproductive. The reason for this is that most interventions are blind, devoid of an understanding of what makes a bully in the first place. Part of the problem is that the bully is an enigma. There are at least three reasons for this. First of all, very few bullies would identify themselves as such or confess to the act. Secondly, bullies lack self-reflection and so cannot tell us about themselves. Thirdly, the violating nature of the bully’s behaviour distracts from the salient issues and underlying dynamics. The symptoms are social but the dysfunction is psychological. The arena of violation is in children`s relating to each other but the genesis of the problem is in relationship to adults. The demeanor is one of toughness yet the sensitivity to slight is acute. The behaviour is pushy and demanding yet the personality is highly dependent and immature. Unless we can shed some light into the internal workings of the bully, our interventions will inevitably be off base.

The Bully Syndrome

The key to making sense of the bully is not in what the bully does, but rather in what is missing in the bully. When one gets past the violating behaviour to the underlying functioning, gaping holes become apparent. Firstly, the bully lacks a sense of responsibility. There are usually two reasons for this deficiency: a) a lack of an underlying sense of agency or b) the child is too defended against vulnerability to feel responsible. Both appear to be true in the bully. To spend effort trying to make the bully accountable does little to change this state of affairs and only convinces the bully that adults are against him or her, which hardens the bully even further. If the bully was capable of feeling responsible, he or she would not be a bully in the first place.

Secondly, the bully lacks adaptive functioning. The bully cannot deal with change and therefore seeks the familiar. The bully does not learn from mistakes, benefit from negative experience, or change as a result of failure. Bullies are neither resourceful nor resilient. Adults who are unaware of this dysfunction will inevitably insist on upping the ante: applying more consequences, teaching a lesson they hope the bully will never forget. If the child was adaptive, he or she would not be a bully in first place. Consequences work wonders for those who can feel the futility of a course of action. On the other hand, consequences only enrage and provoke those who cannot .

Thirdly, the bully lacks integrative functioning. Not only do bullies fail to mix well with others, at least not without someone having to do the accommodating to keep the peace, but they lack mixed feelings. That is the reason they are so untempered in experience and expression. They are impulsive, compulsive, rigid, brazen, dogmatic in their personality and inconsiderate and insensitive in their relating. This deficiency cannot be cured by training in social skills or by confronting the lack of empathy. This integrative dysfunction is deeply rooted in psychological immaturity. Unless these kids become unstuck they will remain untempered for life. If they remain untempered, they are also more likely to be uncivilized unless their behaviour can be orchestrated by someone they can look up to.

In addition to this lack of normal functioning, the bully does not properly depend upon those responsible for him or her and does not experience life in a vulnerable way. These missing elements when properly understood, tell the story of the bully and explains much of their personality and behaviour. When such children are mixed with others, bullying is bound to occur.

How Bullies are Born

The bully syndrome is the offspring of the union of two deep-seated problems. Each of the problems are fairly common and do not, in isolation, result in bullying. It is the combination of these problems that gives rise to the bully syndrome. One of the deep-seated problems is disordered attachments. Instead of seeking to depend upon those responsible for him or her, the bully seeks to dominate. This aberrant attachment pattern can be caused by a number of conditions that will be outlined in the course.

The second problem is one of emotional hardening or desensitization. Somewhere along the line, the sensitivities of a bully-in-the-making have become overwhelmed. The result is a child defended against the feelings of vulnerability and often perceptions that would lead to feeling vulnerable. There are a number of reasons this can happen, some within, but many outside, a parent`s control. A child who is defended against his own wounds is not likely to be sensitive to the wounds of others. Besides, when a child is too defended against vulnerability for ‘mad’ to turn to ‘sad’, frustration turns foul and leaves the child with a mean streak. Adding frustration to the equation in such a child only pours gasoline on the fire and puts others at risk for getting hurt.

How Bullies Are Unmade

Attempting to treat a bully without addressing the contributing conditions is at best ineffective and, most often, counterproductive. Key to the bullies unmaking is proper attachment hierarchy and a tolerance of felt vulnerability. Strategies are presented that are grounded in understanding and that can be applied in a wide range of settings.

Genesis of the Material

The experiential root of this material was working with young offenders. In the prison system, everyone tends to be a bully or a victim or both. Once the mystery was unravelled, the bully syndrome became readily recognizable in other populations and settings and in children as early as toddlerhood and the preschool stage.

The conceptual roots of the material are in an understanding of the dynamics of attachment, vulnerability and psychological immaturity. These three keys unlock the mystery of bullying and reveal how bullies are created. These dynamics also point the way to change and the unmaking of a bully.

The didactic roots of this material were in the desperate requests of educators for something with a bit more depth and psychological accountability than what is usually offered.

Recommended Reading


Workshop Topics:

Agenda & Learning Objectives


  • How bullies are begotten: the overview
  • Bullying rooted in instinct and emotion
  • Bullying as alpha instincts gone awry
  • The modus operandi of the bully


  • The making of the bully’s vulnerability problem
  • The traits deriving from the vulnerability problem
  • The bully and immaturity


  • The making of the bully’s attachment problems
  • The traits deriving from the attachment problems
  • The union of the two problems – attachment and vulnerability
  • Peer orientation and bullying


  • Bully behaviour – the tip of the iceberg
  • What doesn’t work
  • The unmaking of bullies
  • Best prevention
  • Keys to raising children: right relationships and soft hearts

Learning Objectives

The primary objective of this course is to make sense of the bully from inside out, and from this foundation of insight, prepare the way for change.

Course objectives include:

  • to provide a working definition of bullying that will enable participants to recognize the bully dynamic in its myriad manifestations and across a multitude of settings
  • to make sense of the bully from inside out and from a foundation of understanding, to outline the steps required for lasting change
  • to create an understanding of the role of escalating peer orientation and of current parenting practices in fostering the bullying dynamic
  • to convey why conventional discipline and social learning approaches can make matters worse
  • to provide the conceptual tools – specifically attachment theory and vulnerability theory – to dissect the bully syndrome and uncover its instinctive roots
  • to provide basic guidelines for addressing the bully problem that can be employed in a variety of venues and settings
  • to outline the most significant factors in keeping students safe

This course will help shed light on:

  • the 12 traits of the bully syndrome traced to their roots
  • the role of the limbic system (emotional brain) in bully making
  • the nature of the dark union that begets the bully
  • the attachment problems of bullies
  • common pitfalls in the treatment of bullies
  • how bullies & bullied can be cut from the same cloth
  • why schools are becoming bully factories
  • why conventional discipline backfires with bullies
  • why bullies are driven to dominate
  • key target points for effective intervention

Continuing Education Credits

This workshop has been formally approved by the following associations:
  • Canadian Addiction Counsellors Certification Federation (CACCF)
  • Canadian College of Professional Counsellors and Psychotherapists (CCPCP)
  • Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association (CCPA)
  • Canadian Professional Counsellors Association (CPCA)
  • Canadian Psychological Association (CPA)
  • Canadian Vocational Rehabilitation Association (VRA)
  • Employee Assistance Certification Commission (EACC)
  • Indigenous Certification Board of Canada (ICBOC)
  • Ontario Association of Consultants, Counsellors, Psychometrists and Psychotherapists (OACCPP)
  • Ontario Expressive Arts Therapy Association (OEATA)

† The Alberta College of Social Workers (ACSW) and the Newfoundland and Labrador Association of Social Workers (NLASW) accept CPA-approved CEUs.

* Participants will receive a certificate of completion after every workshop. Workshops are pre-approved for 5.5 or 6 credits per day unless otherwise specified.

This workshop may be may be eligible for CEUs from the following associations:  Show more
  • Canadian Association of Social Workers (CASW)
  • Canadian Centre for Accreditation (CCA)
  • Canadian College of Professional Counsellor & Psychotherapists (CCPCP)
  • College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario (CRPO)
  • Ontario Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (OAMFT)
  • Ontario Association of Child and Youth Care (OACYC)
  • Ontario Association of Consultants, Counsellors, Psychometrists and Psychotherapists (OACCPP)
  • Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW)
  • Ontario Society of Psychotherapists (OSP)

* Please contact your accrediting body for more information on individual association requirements.

Your Presenter(s)

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a Vancouver-based developmental psychologist with over 45 years of experience with children and youth and those responsible for them. A foremost authority on child development, Dr. Neufeld is an international speaker, a bestselling author (Hold On To Your Kids) and a leading interpreter of the developmental paradigm. Dr. Neufeld has a widespread reputation for making sense of complex problems and for opening doors for change. While formerly involved in university teaching and private practice, he now devotes his time to teaching and training others, including educators and helping professionals. His Neufeld Institute is now a world-wide charitable organization devoted to applying developmental science to the task of raising children. Dr. Neufeld appears regularly on radio and television. He is a father of five and a grandfather to six.


“I have no words to express my appreciation to Gordon Neufeld and to Hirose for bringing this valuable, life-changing information. The material taught resonates professionally and personally too. Thank you!”
– Aliza Terris | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017

“Fantastic presentation, informative and valuable for me personally and professionally. Gordon is brilliant and engaging. Very happy to have attended today.”
– Mike Van de Hengel | Oakville, ON | May 15-17, 2017


More information: www.neufeldinstitute.org

Who Should Attend

Education and Clinical Professionals: K–12 Classroom Teachers, School Counsellors/Psychologists, Learning Assistance/ Resource Teachers, School Administrators, School Paraprofessionals including Special Education Assistants, Classroom Assistants and Childcare Workers. All other professionals who support students including but not limited to: Nurses, Social Workers, Psychologists, Clinical Counsellors, Family Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Language Pathologists, Addiction Counsellors, Youth Workers, Mental Health Workers, Probation Officers, and Early Childhood Educators.

Parents, Caregiver, Foster Parents, Grandparents, and Extended Family raising a child.


Recommended Accommodation

Holiday Inn Oakville at Bronte

2525 Wyecroft Rd, Oakville, ON

phone:  905.847.1000

website:  http://www.hioakvillebronte.ca/

 Full map & directions

Our rates:

Spring 2020 Booking Information

To make a reservation over the phone, please call 905.847.1000

Please follow this link to make your reservation online: Click Here

Rate is $124.00 plus tax per night for single/double occupancy, a charge of $10.00 for each additional adult is applied.

Please reference “Jack Hirose & Associates” and “Corporate ID: #786797416” when making a reservation.

*please note, room reservations are subject to availability*

Please keep in mind when booking Jack Hirose and Associates corporate guest rooms, reservations booked for most hotels can be cancelled within 48 hours . If you are booking guest rooms through third party websites in many instances the reservations booked cannot not be cancelled.

When booking hotel rooms, ask for the Jack Hirose and Associates corporate rate. To receive our corporate rate, rooms must be booked one month prior to the workshop date. Please keep in mind hotel rates may fluctuate.

Registration & Fees

Registration Early bird Fee Regular Fee
Individual Enrollment $449 $469
Group 3-7 $429 $449
Group 8-14 $409 $429
Group 15+ $389 $409
Full-Time Student $389 $409
Individual Enrollment $249 $269
Group 3-7 $234 $254
Group 8-14 $219 $239
Group 15+ $204 $224
Full-Time Student $204 $224
Attend Both Dr. Neufeld Events and SAVE!
Individual Enrollment $619 $639
Group 3-7 $599 $619
Group 8-14 $579 $599
Group 15+ $559 $579
Full-Time Student $559 $579

All fees are in Canadian dollars ($CAD).

Fees do not include applicable taxes (13% HST).

Early bird cutoff date: May 13, 2020
To receive the early bird rate, registration and payment must be received by Wednesday, May 13, 2020.

Please review our Registration Terms and Conditions for information on our cancellation policy, payment policies, rebates, and more. You must agree to our Terms and Conditions to register for a workshop or conference.

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